Tuesday, October 10, 2006

Mid Life Crisis - chapter 2

If going back to Grad School is chapter one, I will go with this being two. I have a feeling there are going to be more chapters in this little saga before March 28th rolls around. I turn 40 next year and jokes aside, I think it has caused some type of crisis in my being. For those of you who know me, you know that I over-analyize and then analyize again in case I missed something. I allow myself way too much time to dig into the crevices of my mind, heart and soul. The result being a head full of questions, challenges, and so forth - all the time, all the time. I love nothing better than sitting with a friend(s) and talking about the deep stuff - relationships, personality stuff, theology, faith, church, politics etc . I can be routinely shallow and goofy too - don't get me wrong.

All that to say that my leaning toward "all things reflective and deep" has taken me to a weird place recently. This may appear quite juvenile and very "middle school" to the casual observer, but hear me out. I had a dream that has been the catalyst for reconnecting with a few people that have been significant to me...as David, so maturely calls it getting with all my old boyfriends. Not true, exactly. I did have a very special friendship with one of the missionaries' sons who worked in the town where I grew up. Him and I were like best buds on many levels for years and we meddled in the "relationship" water as young teens, but because of the type of friendship we already had, that was less than successful. The collision of several circumstances led to great distance between us and that has never been repaired. While telling someone part of my faith story recently it struck me that he was such a huge part of the story. I can not tell that part of my life without talking about him. It was gut wrenching to me to realize that I had allowed time, space, distance and unexplained situations ruin that relationship. I need on some level for all of that to be okay. I have uncovered an email address for him and have sent him a message, so who knows. I needed to say sorry about some stuff and at least tell him how important he has been in the story of my life.

Now, the other is a little more "soap-operish", but still very valid to me. During this same early teen time, I had a short 3 month relationship, that was very intense emotionally for our age and maturity level at the time. I ended it for reasons I am not sure of now, but that "someone" has been my brother-in-law for 20 years. Oh so complicated and inappropriate. Within the year of this little 3 month thing ending, I began dating David and well the rest is history. His brother (just to clarify, he is single - so I am not complicating anyone else's life)and I have had many reasons to be together over the years and there has always been a "weird" thing between us. Now given, it is 25 years ago and it was only a 3 month teen thing, it was never really resolved. Without all the details, I have internalized a tremendous amount of stuff from this relationship and never dealt with it. Well, I made a cell phone call on Saturday to him (given it is my brother-in-law, people - talk about feeling lame) and we talked in general terms about stuff and I put the phone down knowing that he is okay with me and relieved to find out that we both have a mutual family love for each other and he has not spent the last 20+ years hating me.

Now for those of you who think I have a counselling project to do (or I need counselling), or that I am dying from some deaded disease - I am not, that I know of. But, I do think this big birthday that is looming ahead of me, has me reflecting on what is important and what has shaped the first 40 years. Regardless of how small or irrelevant these two relationships may seem on the outside, they have played a part in shaping my heart and I needed to make peace with them. The people involved are too important to me to let it go anymore.

I feel so much better and who knew?

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