Saturday, January 15, 2011

That Grieving Thing

Make no mistake, over a 5 year blogging period I have written more than one post about grief!

Tonight I am sitting here thinking about my Mom. Tomorrow is the 8th anniversary of her death. Each year it hits me in a different way. There was initial relief after being her care taker for so long and it being so hard. Then there was the loneliness. Anger came and went. The feeling of abandonment visited one year. Then sadness - just good old fashioned sadness. And longing, a different kind of missing and sadness. Oh, the emotions have been varied and deep. But tonight as I sit here and think about things, I am struck with my struggle for identity. Phew, there I said it.

I know all the faith talk about true identity. I say those words to others. I believe them. I teach them. But honestly, they do not bring comfort right now, tonight. Sometimes the ache of pain is so deep and real that you can feel it in your body. That's where I sit tonight. And I long for identity tied to parents. I had to grieve my Dad's death at 11, all my grandparents before that and then my Mom when I was 35. It feels strange to not have parents. It sometimes makes me wonder who I am. And that is the version of grief that showed up this year.

Like all hard things, this one will allow me to ask the very important questions: what did I learn about myself in this and where are the places that God needs to reign more fully.
And, I take great comfort in knowing there are new mercies every morning.

2 comments:

satire and theology said...

Arlene, it took awhile for the green shade to grow over the white with the new template. It is alive.;)

I do pray now for your healing, in Christ.

JG said...

So, I'm just catching up on blogs for a minute and I saw that you posted 8 times in January! How have I missed this? That blog post (rant) beginning January made me want to stand up and clap. I am so tired of the perfect mommy culture and look to moms like you to keep it real. That's part of why I've stopped blogging personally. We do blog for Hill Country Hill Tribers (www.hilltribers.blogspot.com) and I bet you'd like it. Love you guys!

Jessica Goudeau