Tuesday, December 22, 2009

More on Moses

The last couple of days I have had some thoughts bouncing around my brain but have struggled to land them. Hopefully being able to articulate them here I can solidify what I am thinking. Don't mind me while I process!

It becomes clear early on in Exodus that God uses flawed people. Spend much time in scripture and that is a hard to miss fact. Humanities perfection is never a prerequisite to God using us. Good thing, eh? Moses appears less than confident in his ability to speak for God. He seems generally anxious about things. He needs God to reaffirm His promises. He gets angry and frustrated and generally seems like a pretty normal guy.

This is speaking volumes to me right now in life. The last almost 3 years since turning 40 have taken me on a journey that I could never have predicted. Stereotypically I began reflecting on life and who I am and how I live it. I asked God to invade my heart and begin to show me the worst parts of myself so I could offer those up to Him. I was done with dark, secret places. It has been an eye opening, awe inspiring painful process. The first six months of this year seemed to be bringing that process to a conclusion. God had been faithful to reveal Himself to me and to reveal so much crud about myself that is has been overwhelming.

Don't read that I had handled the revealed crud in the first six months of this year - I just knew what it was. That felt good and I have never felt as close to God in my life. But then, as July drew on - wham! I was hit by a whole new set of stuff and it has made the last six months of the year the most personally challenging, invigorating ones I have experienced in years. Out of the blue I learned stuff about myself, how I feel, what I need, what I lack, what I crave and who I can be -- and they all surprised me.....NEW STUFF!

But here is the most delightful part of all. In the middle of me uncovering new crud and still seeing myself as struggling, God has drawn people to me who are struggling with similar things. He never misses an opportunity for us to walk alongside each other. He can use us in the middle of our struggles. He still uses flawed people and that is good news!


jeleasure said...

Hi Arlene,
I once had someone tell me they did not have time to listen to me think out loud. That is why I appreciate blogging. Don't mind a bit if you process your thoughts here.
Well, what has been your most valuable flaw?

Arlene Kasselman said...

Jim, there are lots of flaws -- and I am a big believer in the fact that whenever we can learn something about ourselves it is a gift. And so, I think how I would answer that in this way. I have learned through a set of circumstances that I have an insatiable need for emotionally intimacy and that I believe comes directly out of my childhood. My Dad died when I was 12 and instead of me acting out in sexually promiscuous ways, which is fairly typical of girls who lose a Dad at that age. I think I have been left seeking emotional intimacy in ways that are both positive and negative.

My ability to grow deep emotionally significant relationships has been a blessing most of my life, however, I have discovered that I can form attachment too quickly also and I crave that in alarming ways.

That may have been more than you wanted to hear, but you asked a doozie of a question and so I thought I would answer.

jeleasure said...

Hi Arlene,
I just saw your comment come up on the REE blog. Thank you for the complement.
I know you are academic, so, you appreciate research. I don't know why I enjoy research. I guess, I become fascinated with what I find. It's like a drug. Not that I know for certain. But, that is what it feels like.
Thank you for sharing earlier. You can delete that comment, if you want. I did not realize I was setting you up for the lasso of truth. I had a miserable time with my dad when I was young.

Arlene Kasselman said...

Jim, no problem at all. I love questions that go to the heart of things and yours did that. I was happy to answer! I have left another comment over at your blog.

jeleasure said...

Happy Christmas!