How Do You Measure a Life?

You have to love a cheesy musical line as a blog title, admit you do!!! So this morning, I was woken up with the words, "your coffee is ready" - my eyes were still fighting for their right to remain shut when my brain turned on. That's how things usually go for me. 0-73 mph immediately. Instantly I started singing Seasons of Love from Rent - I mean instantly. David looked at me with a puzzled expression that lasted a few seconds but it quickly faded having lived with me for so long. I looked at him and said, "you know, you said coffee and that made me think of how do you measure a life, in sunsets, in cups of coffee etc." He just smiled and muttered something like, "you're nuts."

And so my thoughts today are turned to HOW DO YOU MEASURE A LIFE? Well actually not how do you measure as much as what matters in your life. A lovely thing to think about really. I think I am going to spend some time with my kids talking about this tonight. As Easter approaches and we reflect on life, recreation and the power to live changed lives, what matters seems to really matter.

And so in my random ponderings today while I have done other things, the following things have come to mind. These are things that matter to me. A way of being in the world that I value. On my best days in my best moments I hit on a few, and then sometimes they are just another "want to." I hope you make your own list.

The quality of the relationship I am cultivating with my God. I want it to be Exodus 33-ish.
A good cup of tea
Conversation that is challenging and shaping
Friends who make me better
Passion - in everything
The ability to feel deeply
The desire to learn
Experiences
Living fully
Loving without concern for reciprocity
Delighting in the gift of mutuality
Laughing - a lot and with conviction
Tears - for hard things and for joys
Discomfort
Questions
Peace to live in the midst of a world that does not make sense sometimes
Pictures
Memories and history
Tasting
Touching
Hearing
Smelling
Thinking
Seeking understanding before being understood
Allowing the active work of the Holy Spirit in me to lead me into places of ministry that I would not know otherwise
Speaking words of life
Affection

Because everything IS spiritual

It was probably 3 or 4 years ago that I heard Rob Bell on his preaching tour. We took a little road trip to Oklahoma City with some of the people we love the most and just sat and absorbed 2 hours of incredible preaching. The title of that tour was everythingisspiritual. It lived up to the hype in ways I can not even describe.

And so a journey began for me. A way of looking at life and living it that does not compartmentalize "our spiritual life" from the real world. It required me to intentionally check my language and to live my whole life with a sense of sacred intentionality, also. Just think about how ludicrous it is to think that we can somehow segment the spiritual into a portion of life that we manage that is other to the rest of life. Really? As if we could tell God to remain in His portion of this thing called My Life.

So many really significant things begin to form and shape when we choose to live in this truth. Every conversation and human interaction is in someway sacred ground - incarnational ministry. After conversations with friends in Starbucks or on the couch in the living room, on FaceTime on my iphone or on skype on my computer screen I find myself thinking "we just did church." I also land up seeing God in new and inspiring places. He shows up with regularity in the things we sometimes foolishly call "secular." Sermons are preached and lessons taught outside of church structures. The story of God becomes something that we can all connect to and enter because it permeates all places, not just the ones of steeples and dresses, ties and choirs, sacraments and pews. Insights can come from the words of Moses and the impassioned cries of Bono. Poetry, Art, Music, Movies, Books, Human lives all testify with creation to a God that is worthy of all my attention.

Missional Discipleship

Those who know me best know that anything that becomes too predictable or monotonous drives me crazy. Repetitive tasks are my least favorite although I do feel a sense of comfort from a schedule and relational security. Go figure? Reading is no exception to this for me. I read in manic phases. Literally consuming books at a ridiculous rate and then going months not touching one. Right now, my nightstand has a stack about 8 high and I am making my way through them. Not just any old books either...some greats. I've got Halter & Smay's And sitting there. I have a Nouwen one waiting on me. I have a Miller and a Bell. All of my favorites calling my name. And still others.

Besides the few contemplative pieces tucked in my stack, most of them are about missionality and the missional conversation. But I got tired of reading about Missional church. Tired of reading about it and not living it. Tired of wanting it but not being prepared to do what it takes. Then we did. We stepped out and made some huge shifts in our life and I couldn't read about it anymore. But, I'm ready to read again. Ready to enter the conversation again trying to sink my teeth into what this looks like lived out. Ready to see where our disciple making ways seem counter to the life of Jesus. Ready to reflect on what it looks like in community.

Of course I read a few pages and my mind races. Questions. What if's. Doubts. More Questions. Definitions. You know how that goes. And in the midst of all of it, it struck me today that I had blogged a definition of Missional Discipleship back in Sept. 2006 - yes almost 5 years ago. I dug it out and got convicted all over again.

Missional discipleship:
It starts with Missio Dei - the very nature of God is that He calls and sends. He forms us into distinctive communities that reflect the redemptive reign of God through justice, mercy and reconciliation (Kingdom) in the coming of Christ and in the becoming like Christ (Incarnation). Together we journey(Community), maturing into Christ formed followers (Spiritual Formation) who in the power of the Spirit begin shaping others into Christ formed followers (Equipping).

Yay for reading and the waters it stirs.

Ethical Requirement?

In the great story of God that scripture reveals I am struck by the fact that in forming His people, God made special provision for the marginal. Over and over again, he laid out His heart for the ones who were powerless, under-represented and marginalized. The minor prophets take God's heart and put it in lights. It is front and center. Verse after verse of His disgust at their mistreatment. Verse after verse of His disgust toward those who are mistreating. He goes so far as to say that He would prefer lives given to the service of the alien and the broken ahead of sacrifices and worship. Laws about the Year of Jubilee, Gleaning, Sharing are peppered throughout the Torah and there is no need to guess where He stands on this. Yet, humanity fails and falls short of the heart of God.

One of my favorite verses of all times is Micah 6:8. It is painted on my dining room walls and I see it daily. God lays out an ethical requirement for His people. They are to love justice and mercy. He doesn't give us wiggle room here. He doesn't clarify circumstances. He doesn't give a loophole if one is being taken advantage of. There are no caveats. He simply states, that to be His people, called by His name, reflecting His heart we are to....

It is interesting to me that He knew we would fail in this regard if left to our own devices. And so, He builds in a way to hold us accountable to justice and compassion. A friend of mine posted a quote today by one of my favorite thinkers: "Man's capacity for justice makes democracy possible, but man's inclination to injustice makes democracy necessary." - Reinhold Niebuhr

I am not arguing for world wide democracy - the world is a little more nuanced and complicated than that in my opinion. However, the idea that we need a standard to be held to in our attempts to serve the "least of these" is significant to me. I can be self serving, selfish and self consumed in a heart beat. But it takes God's heartbeat within me to see with His eyes and touch with His touch.

As we are transformed more fully into the image of God, the requirement part of Micah 6:8 fades into the distance and the compulsion to be a vessel of justice and mercy takes over. Jesus calls us to a kingdom where justice and mercy prevail and we begin to share God's heartbeat for compassion wherever we can be a conduit for it.

Rules and Relationship

I heard a lesson on Sunday that fits well with some things I am thinking about. It was well thought through and camped heavily in Exodus, where I am living right now due to some curriculum writing. The general gist of the lesson, if I was going to summarize, was about how to understand "the rules" or law in terms of the heart and God's intention for us versus fundamentalistic thinking. Nothing earth shattering there. However, as I ponder this idea about rules and law, it strikes me over and over again that God initiates, makes, and keeps covenant with people in the midst of them not caring about the rules or law.

This beautiful partnership of rules and relationship or law and love simply overwhelms me. God, in His desire for us to be His people, shaped and formed by His heart knows what is best for us.

Here is the earth shattering part. Law is never given without Love. Rules are never issued outside of relationship. Even in the consequences, we are assured that punishment may last to the 3rd or 4th generation, but His hesed will remain till the 1000th generation.

Sinai is this stunning picture of the rule-law giving God on the mountain AND the relationship-love desiring God who chooses to live with His people in the camp.

And so, every time we talk about the rules or the law, it is imperative that we talk about the covenant. They form and inform each other. And I can't imagine a more tasty pairing.

Community 3

(From Community 2)

Control: In community we still control how confessional we are. We are the gatekeepers of how much we put out there regardless of the community we find ourselves in.

Perhaps one of the reasons "Community" is not functioning at the level we hope for in meeting the "confessional" needs of our people is that we are still the gatekeepers. As an individual in a community, you are your own PR representative. You disseminate information as you desire. You spin it as you need. You test the waters of acceptance and reveal versions of the truth. You are still the guardian of what is buried the deepest. And perhaps most deadly, we often don't even know what is buried there and how it is forming and shaping our behaviors.

You know the stories, You have lived them. I know the stories and I am living them. A group meets regularly for years and many things are shared and intimacy is valued. Crisis hits and sacred ground is stood on. These are your people and the connection is tight. Then, out of what seems like nowhere you discover one of the group members is entangled in a life battle with sin and has been for years. It shakes you to the core as you begin to question the authenticity of your community experience. You review conversations like post game films, looking for the "drops." You feel cheated, lied to, let down and disappointed. You thought you knew this person and now you feel like you don't. You question if anything shared was real or was it all a lie?

These feelings and thoughts are normal in these type situations - not always accurate but normal. I think we tend to want to abandon an entire relational, community experience as untrue when we discover something like this. However, that may not be true. While a significant secret may have been kept from you, it does not discount all the rest of what you know and love about a person. Once we grieve the loss we feel, I pray we can find it in our hearts to continue in community with people who are struggling with holiness but still in love with the Holy One.

But why does this happen...In "Community?" My answer is that whether we are in community or not, we are the gatekeepers of our deepest secrets. Community does not necessarily change this - it just provides us close spiritual friends to hide our real struggles from.

So, what does change it? I am beginning to think that the solution to this one, is when the focus shifts from community and moves to encouraging individuals to begin a journey of self discovery. A journey that includes discovering our woundedness. Uncovering our pains, our triggers and our hurts. Naming them safely with one who is equipped to walk with us, and replacing them with words of Truth about our identity and our purpose. And then when the lies of the deceiver are thrown out and the words of Life from I AM are taken in, we can begin to get honest about who we are and how we live. A group of people all on a journey to healing their hearts and making them a place for Truth to reside and resonate can then form community that is really authentic.

Bottom-line as I see it today. Our desire for confessional environments to spring up out of community are certainly noble. And sometimes they do. But, creating a group of some kind and assuming the the group environment is enough to make confession happen is flawed and naive at best. I think we would see more authentic confessional community happen if we focused some attention on assisting our people in getting emotionally healthy to prepare their heart for the fruit of confessional living.

Community 2

And besides the church chatter, have you talked to many average members lately? After years of pouring themselves into accountability groups and life groups and every other kind of group we have offered, many are just disappointed. They just haven’t had the experience they were hoping for.

This is not true for everyone for all times. I have been in groups that have changed my life in significant ways. I know you have too. I am talking in generalities that I am observing and hearing about.

Just observing the situation is one thing. Thinking through the why’s and looking for the what if’s and what’s next is tricky. But I have some thoughts roaming around in my head that I am still trying to land. I am hoping to explore a few more thoughts on this in different blog posts. I am thinking through the following thoughts:

1.Control: In community we still control how confessional we are. We are the gatekeepers of how much we put out there regardless of the community we find ourselves in.

2.Woundedness: Should our starting place shift in our desire for confessional community. Instead of assuming confession is going to flow in groups, should we focus on equipping individuals in self awareness so they know their wounds, know their behaviors that flow out of their wounds and can then begin the healing process.

3.Truth Asking: One hears a lot about Truth Telling. Usually defined something like this: I see behavior in your life and because of our covenant in community I get to share truth with you about your attitudes and behaviors. What if we transition to Truth Asking? Asking each other about the traps and triggers in our lives and not fearing the messiness of the answer. Truth Asking assumes one will walk the road of struggle with another without fear or judgment. It also assumes that we all in our brokenness have a road to walk.

4.What Are the Barriers to Confessional Community: I am struggling with an idea that I am still thinking through. In our attempt to Christianize our lives we have taken parenting, marriage, and finances and made them into indicators of our spirituality or maturity. An entire culture has developed around the family that has deified it to something I am not sure God ever intended. Perfection in parenting, marriage and financial management has solidified the “appear as all is great” mentality that permeates many Christian communities. What happens when you are not doing so well? Who is brave enough to stand up and say it? How can we grow confessional communities in the midst of the pseudo-perfection we seem to value. Does it really matter that you have no debt if you are bitter and not compassionate to the alien. Somewhere along the road, we have gotten distracted.

So.....I am asking God to help me discern through this muddle of thoughts.

Community 1

Community. What a loaded word in church conversation. It has been for a while. However it has taken on a whole new slant in the Missional church conversation. As we struggle with what it means to grow disciples versus just church attendees, community crops up with predictable regularity. In Missional communities we are trying to move from consumers of church goods and services to being outposts of the Kingdom of God where we live, work, play and worship.

It has me pondering. Are we asking “community” to bear a weight it was never intended to bear? It seems to have become the panacea to all our ills. A spiritual band-aid that is quickly applied in hopes of it healing the buried wound. I am having my doubts.

Please do not misunderstand me. I am all about intimate relationships, community, and accountability. I treasure my friendships and take them seriously. I pursue and I respond and I value what happens in spiritual friendship. So, hear these musings, as simply musings, from one who is feeling the push and pull tension of community.

Over the last 25 years, churches have been enamored with small groups of differing stripes. We have embraced the Family Life Group, the Accountability Group, Triads, Men’s Groups, Women’s Groups, Fellowship Groups, Prayer Groups, Study Groups, and Recovery Groups. And the list goes on. Yet still, we are struggling with solutions to isolation, individualism, sin, luke-warmness and we keep going back to Community as our solution. All of our groups are somehow still not meeting the need we see. It is almost like the solution we have come up with, while a good solution is for a question or a struggle we are not asking or facing. An authentic struggle and authentic answers, just not to the same question.

I have heard more than my fair share of ministry staff church chatter that poses the question: “why are we still not hearing about people’s crisis until it is too late. Why is divorce the next step when we first hear about the marriage struggle?” “Why is a return to addiction the behavior we hear about when we never knew there was a struggle to start with.” “How do we create community so that our members will become confessional?” You get the idea. We are still desperately looking for a way to form community to do what we think it needs to do. 25 years into intentional church structuring to provide it and we are still struggling. Big time.

It’s not due to a lack of resources. Go to any bookstore, peruse the internet, and look at church conferences. There are theologies, strategies, concepts and formulations to create community in every form you could desire. I’ve read more books on groups than I can even count.

When Willow Creeks study, Reveal, first hit the blogosphere and media, many church leaders were gob smacked. If Willow were struggling to form fully formed disciples of Christ, what possible chance did the average small church have. If Willow was struggling to create authentic community in an environment where church was being “done” via groups, how could anyone succeed at this?

Volkswagen Commercial: The Force

I am not sure a commercial has ever touched me quite as deeply as this one. It makes me want to stand up and cheer for that Dad!

It has me thinking....about keeping dreams alive; about believing; about trusting; about fun; about what it means to allow other people to live their dreams; about who the light clickers are in my life. Thanks VW - incredible.

Public Ministry

If you know me, you know the discomfort I am feeling just typing the two words, "Public Ministry" as a title. However, let me go on.

When it comes to Spiritual Warfare and things unseen I am more than aware that a battle rages and most times we go on blissfully unaware. I am not a fan of the fear induced tactics used by some who rant and rail on Hollywood, Washington and the Media for every ill in the world. I often wonder why we would expect things not of Christ to be holy. I am not a reactionary to things that are sometimes called "secular." I see God in the strangest places and His heart is often shown best in the places we least expect it. And I do not live in fear seeing Satan behind every bush either. But that is another post. And to top it off, I am often a little "inappropriate" without even trying. So, when I refer to an attack of Satan I do not say it glibly, filter it through all I have just said. Some days it just feels like Satan, the deceiver, is waiting to pounce. And, it is always, I mean always, when I am about to engage in a very public form of ministry.

Right before I am heading off to speak somewhere or teach someplace or lead something, I hear his whispers in my ear. I hear him telling me that I have no business doing what I do. I hear him reminding me of how broken I am. I usually have the opportunity to take him up on the offers he throws out for me. And if in moments of distraction I do falter in some way, I hear his accusation proving that his original whispers were accurate. The message that always seems to sound the clearest is the one that says, "how can you go and teach women when you screw up so often."

That message used to work. It shut me down. Not so much now. On my best days in my best moments I know what is true. It is because I am so broken that God can use my life for His purposes. On a normal day in a normal moment, I know it is still true, it is just so much harder to believe.

Today, I am struck by a sudden onset of hard things to deal with in my heart. He lurks around waiting to pounce. And it is no coincidence that it is the start of a very public season of ministry for me this Spring.

That Grieving Thing

Make no mistake, over a 5 year blogging period I have written more than one post about grief!

Tonight I am sitting here thinking about my Mom. Tomorrow is the 8th anniversary of her death. Each year it hits me in a different way. There was initial relief after being her care taker for so long and it being so hard. Then there was the loneliness. Anger came and went. The feeling of abandonment visited one year. Then sadness - just good old fashioned sadness. And longing, a different kind of missing and sadness. Oh, the emotions have been varied and deep. But tonight as I sit here and think about things, I am struck with my struggle for identity. Phew, there I said it.

I know all the faith talk about true identity. I say those words to others. I believe them. I teach them. But honestly, they do not bring comfort right now, tonight. Sometimes the ache of pain is so deep and real that you can feel it in your body. That's where I sit tonight. And I long for identity tied to parents. I had to grieve my Dad's death at 11, all my grandparents before that and then my Mom when I was 35. It feels strange to not have parents. It sometimes makes me wonder who I am. And that is the version of grief that showed up this year.

Like all hard things, this one will allow me to ask the very important questions: what did I learn about myself in this and where are the places that God needs to reign more fully.
And, I take great comfort in knowing there are new mercies every morning.

Disturb us, Lord

I love beautiful prayers and this one by Francis Drake is a treasure....

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push back the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.

Presence

It does not take long when reading Henri Nouwen, for one to realize the depth of wisdom, experience, insight, sacrifice and reflection that his life can offer. I have been drawn to his writings for 20 years or so and find myself journeying back to some of the same pieces over and over.

His writing is significant in Christian Spiritual Formation, but really it is the fact that he lived life well that matters most. He made choices in favor of people, for the sake of the Kingdom in spite of personal gain. And God has been glorified.

These words of his are incubating in my mind right now: "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing....not healing...not curing...that is a friend who cares." Currently, my heart is aching for several friends who are going through VERY tough things and I am a fixer by nature. I work to not be. Did you catch that? And while I absolutely value "presence" and just being able to "be" with people in their hardest moments, my brain goes into overdrive and begins searching for ways to "help." Unless I told you that is what was happening in my mind, you might never guess, but it's happening in every moment of crisis.

I love Nouwen's call to put down the flawed idea of savior and pick up the beautiful role of present friend. This kind of presence can only come out of the overflow of a heart so turned to God that His peace defines, His comfort is tangible and His character is trusted. And so my heart is convicted that as we walk alongside the ones we love, being attentive to God on their behalf, the real job is making oneself available to hear what it is that God is whispering in intimate hushed tones. It is less about what we can do for people and way more about who we are for people because of who God is.

The Color Purple

I don't really know how to write what I am feeling about this, but that has never stopped me before, so here goes.

I love me some purple! Not sure what that is about but it has been a lifelong love. My Dad, who was a musician, stand up comedian guy, had day jobs to support his artists life and one of those was in the carpet business for a season. He decided to re-carpet our house at one point. I got to pick my color for my room. And yes, I chose rich deep purple. It was fantastic....to me. And to my musician/artist Dad.

Anyway, I never lost my love of the brilliant color and even in the black, white and turquoise years I was secretly a fan. Then I attended college at ACU. A dream come true for a purple lover.

Purple has always represented more to me than just a fun color. I use the expression, "my inner purple" a lot. Those who know me, understand that means my Arlene-ness. You know, the inner core of who you are. Mine just feels, well, purple. I love the purple metaphors for life in poetry, in prose, in art, in theatre. I love the Spiritual significance. The audacity of it, really.

And so, the journey of purple in the hair happened last year. I know there are haters among my friends who scrunch their nose up a bit and wonder, "what the heck." And that is a-ok with me. But the purple streaks in the hair story has taken on its own life. I did it, at first, because I was bored. I fight an inner battle of rebellion all the time. Filtering, monitoring, choosing, intentionally deciding. Picture a two year old trying hard to obey. There you've got it. That is me, inside, still - at almost 44. But allowing some of the inner purple out, just a little, functions like a release valve. And you thought it was just a bad hair color choice.

But the purple hair journey got more interesting as I began to notice what was happening. People who would hardly engage me in conversation before began talking to me. People who looked different to me. It became a great conversation starter. I found a point of connection with a few teenagers who I had previously not been able to connect with before. It has led to significant conversations with checkers at the grocery store, people at the Pizza place around the corner, the tire guys at the local store.

The converse was true too. There is nothing like the disapproving stare of a more conservative peer who is making assumptions about your character based on a few inches of hair color they have observed. It took me back to the less comfortable years and made me think about how I perhaps have judged others. Interesting.

But, I'm writing about it today because of a comment that I overheard on Saturday. Spencer started his Basketball season and we were about in the gym at a local church where he plays. My phone rang and so I hung back to take the call while the family all got settled. Two women came walking by, assumed I was not paying attention because I was on the phone and just a little ways away from where I was standing, the one says to the other, "I guess she should pick to either wear the cross or have the purple hair." It stunned me. I finished on the phone and went to find David. I told him the story and chose to try and just let it go. But, wow - some cards were shown right there. I have pondered those words for several days now. I keep wondering about the times I have had a similar thought and I have asked God to strip my heart of those. Honestly, I think I have messed up enough in my life that judging other people seemed foolish a long time ago, but I know I have my moments. I pray God keeps those words alive in a positive way as a reminder for me.

But for now, I'm all about the cross and purple living symbiotically. And besides, it makes me happy.

A God Who Sees

Gen. 16: ¹³ She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

I read this verse today and it will not leave my mind. I have said this before and I am standing by it. I think one of the greatest needs of humanity is to be known and seen. Not seen in a flashy, attention seeking way, but simply to be seen. Noticed. I have heard homeless people describe the pain that comes from being invisible. I have heard those who are recently divorced talk about the pain of becoming invisible to the couples they used to hang out with. Nations who have little to offer are allowed to crumble under genocide, aids epidemics, wars and starvation because they are invisible. Children feel it from parents who are distracted. Teenagers feel it when they are not heard. The elderly are often pushed to the side and in an attempt to reduce our responsibility and increase our convenience they become invisible. People all around us who there but are unseen.

Jesus had a thing for losers, as one of my favorite songs says. He noticed. He saw invisible people. He usually aligned himself with them. He sought them out. Women, children, the sick, the hurting, the ones society marginalized.

And so, now you see why these words from Genesis have found a place in my heart. God is the one who sees. His view of the world and humanity is the one that matters. And once we have had that encounter with the One who sees, our lives are never the same. Hagar who has been a player in a really bad plan to solve a family problem has been mistreated, she flees and hides and feels invisible. But as she hides she discovers that the Lord still sees her. But not only that, He chooses to meet her in that moment of deep distress.

Today I pray that I may see like the one who sees. With His lens. With His heart. With His eyes.

Relationships

I have written several posts over the last 5 years about friendship, community and relationships. And here I go again. I read a quote today that has really struck a chord with me and I posted it on facebook but I have to explore it some more. From my friend Michele Moore Fant's status: "A great community creates conditions where people can fall in love. It is a place where we can make a fuss over one another. It is a place where we can ask, "How did I ever live without you?" Lois Schmidt

The words...."it is a place where we can ask, how did I ever live without you" really resonate with me. God has given me a generous portion of friends who I can honestly say those words to. We are scattered far and wide across the country and across the world, but they are "those" friends. And that got me thinking.....

In good counseling circles, would those words be acceptable or would they be a sign of bad boundaries and enmeshment? I personally love them. I love the idea of community where you literally feel like your life is incomplete without the touch of the ones that matter. Where, in your relationships you have the edges rubbed off. Where you see the mind and heart of Christ in ways you are not yet experiencing. Where you join giftings and offer something more meaningful to the world. Where you know these people KNOW me and still LOVE me.

This kind of "falling in love friendship" within community is risky. It is intense. It is done with covenant and intentionality. It reaches into your heart and takes up residence. And so it does not leave easily. It is designed to stay the course, for the long haul.

"Like an airport, the church was never meant to be a destination." Reggie McNeal

Just having a little rant today....

I have tried to use this blog space of mine as cheap therapy over the last five or so years. It has certainly provided me with ample opportunity for cathartic posts. Not that my plan was fool proof, therapy has been in order along the way, too.

I have, be proud, even employed filters in my writing. Sometimes feeling things and wanting to say things that I knew would not be well received, I managed some restraint. Those who know me, know this in itself is something to be amazed by. I do have filters. I can employ restraint. I know, as I said, be proud.

My political post from 2 years ago, while certainly not the highest comment generating one, is the closest I have come to really putting it all out there.

Until today.

I'm kidding...kinda'. Nothing too heavy, just some thoughts that I need to give an escape path to. They are chasing around in my brain and that's a scary place.

Rant 1: Do you ever want to look at some people squarely in the face and just say...CHILL! Just typing that in caps made me feel better. Oy, this one is about to kill me. I am accused of laughing too quickly, too loudly and too often - but the opposite is not ideal either. Facebook has prompted this one. I have a friend or two that only post the most serious, heavy, lesson learned, self improvement type things. I just want to yell, "tell me about something you saw at Walmart today, please. I can't take one more maxim of universal absolute truth." I am not a shallow-can't-go-deep girl. I love the intense, passion of a good deep conversation. But seriously, I mean, lightheartedly, c'mon guys - chill and chuckle a bit!

Rant 2: "The mommy-blog-that-highlights-the-perfect-life" - the pressure is killer! Thankfully I am too old to be part of this movement, but my heart aches and my brain gets mad for those who are pressured to subscribe to it. I have never seen a time in mommy-hood where there was: more pressure to cook meals ahead for months at a time, make said meals look like The Pioneer Woman's, hand make cards, stitch cute things on cute clothing, spend hours on etsy.com finding ideas on hand making and stitching perfection, schedule kid play time so it looks more like preschool with field trips, art time, story time as if the child needs play suggested by others instead of intuitively just play. The mommies must also look cute, the kids even cuter, with bedrooms that are design masterpieces. And to top it off - Mommyhood must be the pinnacle of all your hopes, dreams and ambitions and fulfilling.

NOW IF YOU ARE OFFENDED: I think the Pioneer Woman, etsy etc are all great resources - don't get me wrong. I like looking cute and I like nice things too. And if Mommyhood has completed you, more power to you. However, I think there are young women around the country that are struggling under the pressure, too afraid to say they want off the "perfect life bus." Its just unattractive to me. The appearance of perfection always is. I want to be a part of the raw, the gritty, the real, the unlaminated, chaotic, non-matching part of people's world.

Rant 3: I am on a very carb restrictive eating plan due to an allergy to wheat. Carbs do not seem to know that. They call my name seductively from the pantry, in restaurants, at the bakery, in my dreams. I've tried to tell them, "it's not about you, it's me." They whisper back in the quiet...."oh but we had you at hello." So, little carby flirts - get behind me. Oh wait, I have less behind since I eliminated you.

This rant session is over, this girl has a little less angst, life is good.

Believing God

No, I did not just forget the "in" from the title of the post. It was intentional. A whole other conversation, really.
I am so frustrated with myself today. Disappointed in myself. A little angry.

Here's the thing. I sometimes struggle to believe God. To believe that what He has for me is the best thing for me. To believe that the way He wants me to live is the most life giving. To believe that His desires for my heart will in the end serve me best.

Yes, you guessed it. I decided to walk my own path on something and here I sit looking over my shoulder feeling a little heart sick and a lot of self annoyance and all I can muster is..."duh."

God has always been about forming a people. He has done that by calling us to a way of being that mirrors His heart, His intention, His desire, His passions, His character. And not because He needs some ego boost or some power trip or some manipulation tool. But, because He knows how we should live. He knows what abundance looks and feels like. He knows where real life comes from.

And so, at almost 44 I am stunned that once again I have let the whispers of the deceiver throw me off course, even just a little when I know better. I do. Once again, I affirm the covenant with the ultimate covenant keeper and say - yes, I do believe you, God.

Secret Places

Faces
either showing exuberance,
graciously nodding
often pain oozing out of them
and at worst lifeless
tell a story.

Hearts
pounding with unspoken but real experiences
aching
hurting
untouched or even undiscovered.

Lives
lived by rote
patterns that annoy frustrate and pacify
yet when given the freedom to be
often launch passion in unexpected ways.

Backstories
change everything.
Faces, hearts, lives are given context
truth emerges.
What seems is now rewritten as what is.

Once again
it is clear that what we think we see is not clear.
Within all humanity is the beating of a story yet to be spoken
because it is unsafe to speak.
Within all humanity is the desire for relationship yet to be pursued
because it is unsafe to feel.
Within all humanity is the secret place yet to be named
because it is unsafe to admit.

Faces, hearts, lives, backstories
nothing is quite what it seems.