That Grieving Thing

Make no mistake, over a 5 year blogging period I have written more than one post about grief!

Tonight I am sitting here thinking about my Mom. Tomorrow is the 8th anniversary of her death. Each year it hits me in a different way. There was initial relief after being her care taker for so long and it being so hard. Then there was the loneliness. Anger came and went. The feeling of abandonment visited one year. Then sadness - just good old fashioned sadness. And longing, a different kind of missing and sadness. Oh, the emotions have been varied and deep. But tonight as I sit here and think about things, I am struck with my struggle for identity. Phew, there I said it.

I know all the faith talk about true identity. I say those words to others. I believe them. I teach them. But honestly, they do not bring comfort right now, tonight. Sometimes the ache of pain is so deep and real that you can feel it in your body. That's where I sit tonight. And I long for identity tied to parents. I had to grieve my Dad's death at 11, all my grandparents before that and then my Mom when I was 35. It feels strange to not have parents. It sometimes makes me wonder who I am. And that is the version of grief that showed up this year.

Like all hard things, this one will allow me to ask the very important questions: what did I learn about myself in this and where are the places that God needs to reign more fully.
And, I take great comfort in knowing there are new mercies every morning.

Disturb us, Lord

I love beautiful prayers and this one by Francis Drake is a treasure....

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
with the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wilder seas
Where storms will show Your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask you to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push back the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
This we ask in the name of our Captain,
Who is Jesus Christ.

Presence

It does not take long when reading Henri Nouwen, for one to realize the depth of wisdom, experience, insight, sacrifice and reflection that his life can offer. I have been drawn to his writings for 20 years or so and find myself journeying back to some of the same pieces over and over.

His writing is significant in Christian Spiritual Formation, but really it is the fact that he lived life well that matters most. He made choices in favor of people, for the sake of the Kingdom in spite of personal gain. And God has been glorified.

These words of his are incubating in my mind right now: "the friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief or bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing....not healing...not curing...that is a friend who cares." Currently, my heart is aching for several friends who are going through VERY tough things and I am a fixer by nature. I work to not be. Did you catch that? And while I absolutely value "presence" and just being able to "be" with people in their hardest moments, my brain goes into overdrive and begins searching for ways to "help." Unless I told you that is what was happening in my mind, you might never guess, but it's happening in every moment of crisis.

I love Nouwen's call to put down the flawed idea of savior and pick up the beautiful role of present friend. This kind of presence can only come out of the overflow of a heart so turned to God that His peace defines, His comfort is tangible and His character is trusted. And so my heart is convicted that as we walk alongside the ones we love, being attentive to God on their behalf, the real job is making oneself available to hear what it is that God is whispering in intimate hushed tones. It is less about what we can do for people and way more about who we are for people because of who God is.

The Color Purple

I don't really know how to write what I am feeling about this, but that has never stopped me before, so here goes.

I love me some purple! Not sure what that is about but it has been a lifelong love. My Dad, who was a musician, stand up comedian guy, had day jobs to support his artists life and one of those was in the carpet business for a season. He decided to re-carpet our house at one point. I got to pick my color for my room. And yes, I chose rich deep purple. It was fantastic....to me. And to my musician/artist Dad.

Anyway, I never lost my love of the brilliant color and even in the black, white and turquoise years I was secretly a fan. Then I attended college at ACU. A dream come true for a purple lover.

Purple has always represented more to me than just a fun color. I use the expression, "my inner purple" a lot. Those who know me, understand that means my Arlene-ness. You know, the inner core of who you are. Mine just feels, well, purple. I love the purple metaphors for life in poetry, in prose, in art, in theatre. I love the Spiritual significance. The audacity of it, really.

And so, the journey of purple in the hair happened last year. I know there are haters among my friends who scrunch their nose up a bit and wonder, "what the heck." And that is a-ok with me. But the purple streaks in the hair story has taken on its own life. I did it, at first, because I was bored. I fight an inner battle of rebellion all the time. Filtering, monitoring, choosing, intentionally deciding. Picture a two year old trying hard to obey. There you've got it. That is me, inside, still - at almost 44. But allowing some of the inner purple out, just a little, functions like a release valve. And you thought it was just a bad hair color choice.

But the purple hair journey got more interesting as I began to notice what was happening. People who would hardly engage me in conversation before began talking to me. People who looked different to me. It became a great conversation starter. I found a point of connection with a few teenagers who I had previously not been able to connect with before. It has led to significant conversations with checkers at the grocery store, people at the Pizza place around the corner, the tire guys at the local store.

The converse was true too. There is nothing like the disapproving stare of a more conservative peer who is making assumptions about your character based on a few inches of hair color they have observed. It took me back to the less comfortable years and made me think about how I perhaps have judged others. Interesting.

But, I'm writing about it today because of a comment that I overheard on Saturday. Spencer started his Basketball season and we were about in the gym at a local church where he plays. My phone rang and so I hung back to take the call while the family all got settled. Two women came walking by, assumed I was not paying attention because I was on the phone and just a little ways away from where I was standing, the one says to the other, "I guess she should pick to either wear the cross or have the purple hair." It stunned me. I finished on the phone and went to find David. I told him the story and chose to try and just let it go. But, wow - some cards were shown right there. I have pondered those words for several days now. I keep wondering about the times I have had a similar thought and I have asked God to strip my heart of those. Honestly, I think I have messed up enough in my life that judging other people seemed foolish a long time ago, but I know I have my moments. I pray God keeps those words alive in a positive way as a reminder for me.

But for now, I'm all about the cross and purple living symbiotically. And besides, it makes me happy.

A God Who Sees

Gen. 16: ¹³ She gave this name to the LORD who spoke to her: “You are the God who sees me,” for she said, “I have now seen the One who sees me.”

I read this verse today and it will not leave my mind. I have said this before and I am standing by it. I think one of the greatest needs of humanity is to be known and seen. Not seen in a flashy, attention seeking way, but simply to be seen. Noticed. I have heard homeless people describe the pain that comes from being invisible. I have heard those who are recently divorced talk about the pain of becoming invisible to the couples they used to hang out with. Nations who have little to offer are allowed to crumble under genocide, aids epidemics, wars and starvation because they are invisible. Children feel it from parents who are distracted. Teenagers feel it when they are not heard. The elderly are often pushed to the side and in an attempt to reduce our responsibility and increase our convenience they become invisible. People all around us who there but are unseen.

Jesus had a thing for losers, as one of my favorite songs says. He noticed. He saw invisible people. He usually aligned himself with them. He sought them out. Women, children, the sick, the hurting, the ones society marginalized.

And so, now you see why these words from Genesis have found a place in my heart. God is the one who sees. His view of the world and humanity is the one that matters. And once we have had that encounter with the One who sees, our lives are never the same. Hagar who has been a player in a really bad plan to solve a family problem has been mistreated, she flees and hides and feels invisible. But as she hides she discovers that the Lord still sees her. But not only that, He chooses to meet her in that moment of deep distress.

Today I pray that I may see like the one who sees. With His lens. With His heart. With His eyes.

Relationships

I have written several posts over the last 5 years about friendship, community and relationships. And here I go again. I read a quote today that has really struck a chord with me and I posted it on facebook but I have to explore it some more. From my friend Michele Moore Fant's status: "A great community creates conditions where people can fall in love. It is a place where we can make a fuss over one another. It is a place where we can ask, "How did I ever live without you?" Lois Schmidt

The words...."it is a place where we can ask, how did I ever live without you" really resonate with me. God has given me a generous portion of friends who I can honestly say those words to. We are scattered far and wide across the country and across the world, but they are "those" friends. And that got me thinking.....

In good counseling circles, would those words be acceptable or would they be a sign of bad boundaries and enmeshment? I personally love them. I love the idea of community where you literally feel like your life is incomplete without the touch of the ones that matter. Where, in your relationships you have the edges rubbed off. Where you see the mind and heart of Christ in ways you are not yet experiencing. Where you join giftings and offer something more meaningful to the world. Where you know these people KNOW me and still LOVE me.

This kind of "falling in love friendship" within community is risky. It is intense. It is done with covenant and intentionality. It reaches into your heart and takes up residence. And so it does not leave easily. It is designed to stay the course, for the long haul.

"Like an airport, the church was never meant to be a destination." Reggie McNeal

Just having a little rant today....

I have tried to use this blog space of mine as cheap therapy over the last five or so years. It has certainly provided me with ample opportunity for cathartic posts. Not that my plan was fool proof, therapy has been in order along the way, too.

I have, be proud, even employed filters in my writing. Sometimes feeling things and wanting to say things that I knew would not be well received, I managed some restraint. Those who know me, know this in itself is something to be amazed by. I do have filters. I can employ restraint. I know, as I said, be proud.

My political post from 2 years ago, while certainly not the highest comment generating one, is the closest I have come to really putting it all out there.

Until today.

I'm kidding...kinda'. Nothing too heavy, just some thoughts that I need to give an escape path to. They are chasing around in my brain and that's a scary place.

Rant 1: Do you ever want to look at some people squarely in the face and just say...CHILL! Just typing that in caps made me feel better. Oy, this one is about to kill me. I am accused of laughing too quickly, too loudly and too often - but the opposite is not ideal either. Facebook has prompted this one. I have a friend or two that only post the most serious, heavy, lesson learned, self improvement type things. I just want to yell, "tell me about something you saw at Walmart today, please. I can't take one more maxim of universal absolute truth." I am not a shallow-can't-go-deep girl. I love the intense, passion of a good deep conversation. But seriously, I mean, lightheartedly, c'mon guys - chill and chuckle a bit!

Rant 2: "The mommy-blog-that-highlights-the-perfect-life" - the pressure is killer! Thankfully I am too old to be part of this movement, but my heart aches and my brain gets mad for those who are pressured to subscribe to it. I have never seen a time in mommy-hood where there was: more pressure to cook meals ahead for months at a time, make said meals look like The Pioneer Woman's, hand make cards, stitch cute things on cute clothing, spend hours on etsy.com finding ideas on hand making and stitching perfection, schedule kid play time so it looks more like preschool with field trips, art time, story time as if the child needs play suggested by others instead of intuitively just play. The mommies must also look cute, the kids even cuter, with bedrooms that are design masterpieces. And to top it off - Mommyhood must be the pinnacle of all your hopes, dreams and ambitions and fulfilling.

NOW IF YOU ARE OFFENDED: I think the Pioneer Woman, etsy etc are all great resources - don't get me wrong. I like looking cute and I like nice things too. And if Mommyhood has completed you, more power to you. However, I think there are young women around the country that are struggling under the pressure, too afraid to say they want off the "perfect life bus." Its just unattractive to me. The appearance of perfection always is. I want to be a part of the raw, the gritty, the real, the unlaminated, chaotic, non-matching part of people's world.

Rant 3: I am on a very carb restrictive eating plan due to an allergy to wheat. Carbs do not seem to know that. They call my name seductively from the pantry, in restaurants, at the bakery, in my dreams. I've tried to tell them, "it's not about you, it's me." They whisper back in the quiet...."oh but we had you at hello." So, little carby flirts - get behind me. Oh wait, I have less behind since I eliminated you.

This rant session is over, this girl has a little less angst, life is good.

Believing God

No, I did not just forget the "in" from the title of the post. It was intentional. A whole other conversation, really.
I am so frustrated with myself today. Disappointed in myself. A little angry.

Here's the thing. I sometimes struggle to believe God. To believe that what He has for me is the best thing for me. To believe that the way He wants me to live is the most life giving. To believe that His desires for my heart will in the end serve me best.

Yes, you guessed it. I decided to walk my own path on something and here I sit looking over my shoulder feeling a little heart sick and a lot of self annoyance and all I can muster is..."duh."

God has always been about forming a people. He has done that by calling us to a way of being that mirrors His heart, His intention, His desire, His passions, His character. And not because He needs some ego boost or some power trip or some manipulation tool. But, because He knows how we should live. He knows what abundance looks and feels like. He knows where real life comes from.

And so, at almost 44 I am stunned that once again I have let the whispers of the deceiver throw me off course, even just a little when I know better. I do. Once again, I affirm the covenant with the ultimate covenant keeper and say - yes, I do believe you, God.

Secret Places

Faces
either showing exuberance,
graciously nodding
often pain oozing out of them
and at worst lifeless
tell a story.

Hearts
pounding with unspoken but real experiences
aching
hurting
untouched or even undiscovered.

Lives
lived by rote
patterns that annoy frustrate and pacify
yet when given the freedom to be
often launch passion in unexpected ways.

Backstories
change everything.
Faces, hearts, lives are given context
truth emerges.
What seems is now rewritten as what is.

Once again
it is clear that what we think we see is not clear.
Within all humanity is the beating of a story yet to be spoken
because it is unsafe to speak.
Within all humanity is the desire for relationship yet to be pursued
because it is unsafe to feel.
Within all humanity is the secret place yet to be named
because it is unsafe to admit.

Faces, hearts, lives, backstories
nothing is quite what it seems.

The Heart

I am pretty sure mine is physically not in great shape - my Dad died of heart disease at the age of 59. I am not working out regularly and I am carrying more weight than I should be, although that is slowly coming off - woohoo!

However, cardiology is not the direction I am going here. I am fascinated by the capacity of the human heart. A wall plaque hangs in my daughters room that reads, "think with your heart." That really is a goal I have for my kids. I want them to be heart driven. I want them to be so in touch with their heart that compassion, empathy and love overflow out of it. I want them to choose to do the thing that their heart knows is right even when their logic is screaming no. This is scary because when one lives from a place of passion/heart life gets messy.

I am learning to live with messy. Never thought I would. I am an odd mix of really spontaneous and out there coupled with a little OCD that needs my i's dotted and my t's crossed. Messy has never been my favorite because it does not fit into cute storage containers.
But life, the great teacher, has me transforming and I like it.

I am sure if most of the people that I interact with could see into my heart and see the muddled mess they would fear for me. They would counsel me or caution me. They would suggest I 'tighten' things up a bit. They may suggest I get rid of some things and replace them with different things. Lots and lots of advice about how my heart should look. But, honestly, I've never felt more alive in my life, right in the middle of the mess of life. With fewer defined things ever. With life plans that are in transition. With faith that is being called to something bigger and new but yet defined. With relationships that cause me pause. But there is freedom here. There is a sense of real, raw, nitty gritty life. I've been longing for this. I want to feel my heart beat in my chest and my pulse race. And I am.

When we open our hearts, life gets risky. But from my little corner of the world, life gets really worth living. Don Miller, in Searching for God Knows What, writes: What if the deepest longings of your heart were there for a reason? Small minded boxed in formulas of modern religion were not the truth? The gospel of Jesus was not "safe" after all, but full of intrigue, passion and romance."

Now we're talking.

Exodus

I am in the middle of a curriculum writing process and that is why my thoughts are turned to Exodus. I love a good analogy and thrive on a metaphor. Exodus feels like Theological Grand Central Station to me. It seems like every big theological idea flows through Exodus on its way to its final destination.

Moses' life

Moses' call

Moses' & Pharaoh

Plagues, Release and Red Sea

Desert wanderings and provision

Arrival at Sinai

God speaks and gives assurance of His presence

Covenant

Plans for Worship

Golden Calf

Moses and God at Sinai

Tabernacle

I keep coming back to chapter 24 and chapter 33. They are such powerful images of an intimate relationship between the Redeemer God and humanity. God seeks to dwell among His people. He promises that His presence goes with humanity. He keeps covenant in the midst of unfaithfulness. He gives consequences but He never withholds love. Law and Story are interwoven and instead of being oppositional they are both prescriptive and descriptive of our story with God. Immanence and Transcendence flood the pages of this book - Sovereign God who is above all speaks at the Mountain and humanity must turn its face from the glory, yet Sovereign God dwells among the people in their camp and at the tent of meeting.

It leaves one echoing the words one reads...The Lord...The Lord...The Lord!

You Are Holy Because I Am Holy

Holy. Me. Really? My mind keeps drifting to this idea of holiness and what it really means for us. I think many of us have endured a form of "reductionist" Christianity that has reduced the gospel down to manageable ideas and soundbites. It has also reduced the way of Christ down to sin management at best. My heart tells me there has to be more. However I know where my mind goes and I know to what and to whom my heart feels pulled and I am left challenged by my own unholiness.

After looking at this word and how it is used I think I am sure of this. Holiness is God's work. Alone. It is what He does in and through us. What makes us Holy is not our own piety or our own ability to "do good." It is because God has consecrated us for His purpose. Whether it is a place or a time or a special day or a person -- it is the consecrating of that thing or being for use by God that makes it holy.

And so we are holy because He is holy. We are made, called and sent for a purpose.

Simplicity versus Simplistic

A facebook interaction with a friend recently has stirred these thoughts and I am not really sure I have a good way to articulate what I am thinking. Ah, this is why I blog. I get to order ideas and thoughts on paper, well on a screen if we are going to be technical.

This began with the idea on her wall that Faith is not Intellectual Suicide. I thought long and hard about that idea and was trying not to comment because I knew it would develop into a longer conversation. But, in spite of my best attempts at self regulation, I commented. I said something like, "it may not be, but it sure feels like it sometimes when you see how the church and Christians tend to offer simplistic answers to complexity." Her response was that simplification of truth was the challenge. I responded back that at some level I think I see her point....HOWEVER...

Simplistic answers like: God, Jesus, Bible and Church just don't cut it anymore. Pray, Repent, Obey don't either. They are all still true, valuable answers -- we just have to measure how we use them. In a culture that no longer values the "I have all the answers" mentality that Christianity has prided itself on, we have to change our ways. It is now more attractive to have good questions, hard questions, ones that require a struggle.

And so, when considering these two "S" words -- we can agree that God is truth and that is simple, but it is everything that follows that statement that is nuanced, tensioned, and gritty that we need to be challenged with. If we simplify down to simplistic we are no longer representing God in the way He chose to reveal Himself to humanity.

Taking a Break

It has been 5 years of blogging now and I discovered today that there is no easy way to delete a blogspot account short of deleting individual blog posts. So, I am going to be taking a break from this blog for a while. Who knows, maybe we will catch up later!

Missional Living

The last 5 years or so many conversations between pastoral staff and ministry folks in general have centered around the idea of the shift from programmatic church to missional church. We have tried to define it and struggled. We have linked it to post-modernity and it has scared many. We have tried to delineate between emergent and missional. Where emergents seem ticked off and angry at their church past, missionals have tried to soften their voices to seem more understanding. It has been an interesting time.

I personally have read a fair amount on all sides of the missional and emergent conversation. I have taken a graduate level class about planting missional churches. I am as much a Hirsch & Frost fan as the next person. But I remain somewhat confused as often I go back to the "how?"

Well yesterday I finished reading Tangible Kingdom. What a book. It is a beautiful unfolding of what incarnational missional community looks like. It has taken my assumptions and turned them on their head. It has challenged me and frustrated me. However, more than anything it has given me hope and a child like excitement about my faith journey.

Shirley, was her name

I don't usually go on about my Mom, but this year at least on facebook, I have talked about her a lot. The timing is curious for me. She died 7 years ago tomorrow and it feels like yesterday and an eternity.

Sometimes we have the ability to only remember the good and the picture that emerges only half resembles the truth. I remember the things about my Mom that irritated me. I remember the things that I wished were different. But really those things are few and the list is short.

And so today I am indulging myself with the things she did right.
She loved fiercely -- she had your back and you knew it.
She loved tenderly -- her ability to read your face and listen to your heart was amazing.
She gave extravagantly -- out of both overflow and shortage, her generosity was unsurpassed.
She noticed people -- her friends comprised both the popular and the unpopular alike.
She listened with her ears and heart -- she just got people.
She loved the Lord -- not perfectly, but passionately.
She held family close -- her kids, her grand kids, her sisters and brothers, nieces and nephews.
She welcomed people -- our home was always filled with people.
She inspired people -- more so while she was suffering through cancer than ever.

And there is more. But these are the things I am thinking about tonight and am grateful to have seen modelled for me. What a joy!

And they called her Shirls!

Thinking

I get made fun of a lot for over-thinking. My brain can be a scary place, and if you have read this blog very long I bet you are "Amen-ing" right about now! One of my friends reshaped the over-thinking for me a while back and told me to embrace it as a gift. I try to remember that when I begin to feel overwhelmed by my thoughts.

So let me begin by saying, today I was thinking..... And I was. While preparing for teaching tomorrow, I realized I could not move on to the subject matter until I addressed the idea of thinking with my students. We need to talk about how people think. How generational groupings change our thought processes, how experiences shape our thoughts and how temperament and personality drive it. Just the idea that we get to go here is thrilling to me!

And while I do not want to scare high schoolers, this is important stuff to deal with. Understanding how we think about things is sometimes as central as what we think about them. In my book anyway.

unChristian

I am prepping right now for my High School Protestant Class at Ascension Academy this Spring. We are going to be working through the book unChristian. It is a good read and offers some really good insights for consideration.

Chapter 1 has a line tucked away in the opening page that has really struck me. Nothing particularly profound but very striking. David Kinnamon and Gabe Lyons spent three years looking at the perceptions of "outsiders" toward Christians and Church and spend the bulk of this book looking at the big perceptions that add to Christianity's image problem. One of the things they heard from Mosaics (16-29) repeatedly in their research was this little line: "They admit their emotional and intellectual barriers go up when they are around Christians, and they reject Jesus because they feel rejected by Christians."

This is so convicting to me. There are so many possible questions that flow out of this statement. Bad theology that unravels right here and good theology that is just begging to be heard. Conversations about kingdom and living for Jesus now and not merely hanging on for heaven. Confessions about how and when we really live incarnationally and when we fail. So many ideas.

But today as I sit on my couch watching the snow fall, I am struck very personally by the thought - "how do I represent Jesus?"

Uncertainty

Warning: Self Indulgent Personal Reflections to Follow!

It has been a while since I have had as many unanswered questions in my mind as I seem to have right now. Questions about the future, about what to do, about how to do it, about established church vs. organic church, about heaven and hell, about passion vs pragmatics, about timing vs. randomness....oh the list goes on.

Last night David and I talked for hours about some of this and we had to end the conversation with "idk's" -- not a very helpful place for someone who is seeking answers. But life sometimes presents us with more questions than answers and knowing how to be in the midst of that is an art.

My ability to "be" is being challenged and the indecision feels like it is killing me. And so for today, the words of Jesus keep rattling around my head.... "do not worry about your life..."