Come before Winter

In March I am travelling with the Come before Winter team to do a renewal retreat for women in ministry on the mission field in Canada. What an incredible opportunity to join these amazing women. I am so excited about the opportunity.

Last night I shared this with our elders in their meeting and they prayed over me and I feel so confirmed in this ministry opportunity. If any of you would like to check out their website it is: www.comebeforewinter.org

Spiritual Formation at the Kasselmans, Kinda'

I have never felt less equipped for the challenge of parenting as I do right now with a Middle Schooler. Everything seems to be weighted with future consequences and I feel like I am second guessing myself all the time...I may make a fatal mistake and mess things up in significant ways. David keeps the balance and reminds me that many a child has survived and thrived with worse parenting and our children too will be okay. Okay?? Who wants okay, can you define okay. You get the picture...I am a little paranoid right now :-)

One of those challenges is how to have some semblance of family devotional time with a 6 year old and a 6th grader. Yes, we can do our own thing with each of them at bedtime, but I was looking for something more family like. Our church has a bible reading program called MyWord but that did not seem to be working well for us, so back to the drawing board I went.

Finally I came up with a calendar that I drew up that has 4 nights of activity per week based around a theme. Meditation Monday, Terrific Tuesday, Thoughtful Thursday and Feeling Friday. I know a little cheesy, but the kids love it. Tuesdays are for sharing something terrific about the theme of the week, Thursday is an action day of doing something for someone else also determined by the theme of the week and Friday is when we talk about an emotion linked to the theme of the week. Monday is our scripture for the week and the other days are the living out of the ideas in the Monday passage through service and reflection. Are you with me? One goal being that it is an avenue for Michaela to share because she is emotionally quite a closed child. Spencer not so much.

Meditation Monday is quite fascinating. We read a Psalm aloud, read it again silently to ourselves and then read it again. We sit for a minute or two (this is a 6 year old and a 6th grader remember) and think about what we have read. We all have a turn to then share what stands out to us in the passage. The idea is to begin teaching the idea of meditating on scripture or a very basic version of lectio divinia.

Well last night, we did Psalm 23 and Michaela shared first about how cool the idea of living with God forever is. When we asked her why, she very matter of factually said, "you are living forever with your creator - that is pretty awesome." (insert - seriously, could you guys not see that?) Not really. And then Spencer started. Oh my!
"Well the part I like is this...He leads me beside quiet waters."
His voice getting softer and more sappy.
"I...I..I just like the quiet water part."
Eyes down at the text, serious face. A few seconds of silence and then insert a loud, dramatic voice
"It is not crashing and kabooming and whooshing water. It is like a lake, a stream"
Back to the golf commentator tone -
"It is calm. I just like that part."
We affirmed that and asked a question about it to which he responded.
"Well God is with us in the easy things and the hard things. Hard things like when the dog bites me or the cat attacks me. Or I have to crawl in dark places???"
Yes, we said and perhaps also harder things like when there is an illness or someone dies. Michaela suggested times like when Nana died.
David and I could not look at each other because we were ready to bust out laughing.
Calm waters, animal attacks, dark places all in a quivery voice...
How did we get such a "to the point" daughter and overly emotional son?

Both kids observations out of Psalm 23 were great. Thankfully there is no right way to do this. Just being together around the word matters.

Open to Receive

Yesterday was one of those days. My heart was open to receive.

I have had a hard few months struggling with some emotional junk and having God reveal parts of myself that are less attractive and need work. You know those times when you are wading through the complexities of oneself and needing to stay there for clarity and understanding. Over the last two years I feel like I have spent more time here than anywhere. That may not be true - about 2 years ago I had a faith crisis that took several months to work through and this has been more about me and my baggage. God is faithful and I can honestly say I am on the "better" side. With a little help from my friends.

It struck me yesterday in worship that something was different. You know those times when you are clearly more open to receive the word and ministry of God into your life. I met God in worship like I had not done in a while. That was good. Last night we got to go and hear Tquan Moore from Houston in concert. He served as a youth minister with several guys who work here in the Amarillo area while they were all in Houston. He is launching a music career - just a guy and his guitar. I love that. He has a new version of Here We Are But Straying Pilgrims and it really resonated with me. Can't say I have ever loved this song but I heard something in the lyrics that I haven't heard before. I'm not a huge fan of theology that paints the Christian life on earth as nothing but struggle and the only goal is heaven when things will be good. I believe we enter now into the abundance of eternity - you know the already but not yet. So bearing that in mind still consider these words.

Here we are but straying pilgrims
Here our path is often dim
But to cheer us on our journey
Still we sing this wayside hymn
Yonder over the rolling river
Where the shining mansions rise
Soon will be our home for ever
And the smile of the blessed Giver
Gladdens all our longing eyes
Here our feet are often weary
On the hills that throng our way
Here the tempest darkly gathers
But our hearts within us say
Here our souls are often fearful
Of the pilgrim's lurking foe
But the Lord is our defender
And He tells us we may know

Books

I hope that we always have books. I love their covers. I love opening one for the first time. I don't dog ear pages. I do highlight and write in them sometimes. The Scholastic book fair is currently happening at my son's school. It is energizing to me to see the library stuffed to capactity with cases of colorful new books. I guess that is what has me going about books right now. I think too I am contemplating a good holiday read. What should it be?

My most current reads have been:
Junie B Jones Aloha-Ha
Life on the Vine by Kenneson
Discipleship by Bonhoeffer
Ethics by Bonhoeffer
Christ and the Moral Life by Gustafson
Heroes, Saints and Ordinary Morality by Flescher
The Pigeon Finds a Hotdog

I've dabbled with the Audacity of Hope by Barak Obama and will finish that over the holidays.

So now I need something for the holidays. Any suggestions. Just an fyi I am not into historical fiction or Sci-Fi. So bring on any other ideas.

Blog Soup

(as in a little of this and a little of that)

1. Spencer sitting at the table contemplating the meaning of life..."You know, when you register for Webkinz, your whole life changes. It does. Its amazing." Michaela, David and I crack up and almost roll out of our chairs.

2. Our friends Frank and Nancy moved to Dallas and visited our old church on Sunday. I got a call from Nancy to say, "guess what I just spent 2 hours with your friend Lisa at Starbucks and it was incredible." While talking to Nancy I get a voice mail from Lisa saying, "I just spent the afternoon with your friend Nancy and it was great." I think they can leave out the "your friend" phrase - I'm guessing they are now friends. It makes me so happy!

3. I was moved at seeing my daughters response to her friends crisis yesterday. Her friend's neighbor just had a horrible car wreck and their twins were killed. The twins and Michaela's friend were very close friends. Seeing Michaela enter the pain of another was so awesome to me.

4. The spicy chicken sandwich at Wendy's gives me joy.

5. I am not feeling Christmas yet even if Wal-Mart insists on playing Christmas music already.

6. It is the book fair at Spencer's school. I am reminded every year how much I love books. Love them. The way they feel, the covers, the emotional response I have to them. Yes, I spent a little too much....

Gentleness

It is about time to wrap up the Sunday series from Life on the Vine that I have been teaching. This past Sunday we talked about Gentleness. What an interesting week it was working through that idea. When is the last time you really thought about gentleness. I am not talking about what the word means in Greek, or how it is exhibited in the character of God. I am talking about looking out onto the landscape of your world and identifying people as gentle.
I started out thinking about people that I would call gentle. Sure, most of us have aspects of gentleness in different areas of our lives, but I am talking about someone who so completely models a specific trait that you would slap a label on them and be done (I know labels are bad, just an illustration...like if you knew that can had corn in it, you could label it corn).

Think about it for a moment. Right now. Pause and just let your mind wonder a little. Who would you call gentle? Why? How have you seen this exhibited in their lives?

Here are three observations that I discovered.
1. Our culture does not uphold this trait. You probably had to search your brain for examples of gentleness in your life. I know tons of terrific people..people who are kind, fun, warm, generous but people can be all that and not always gentle.

2. Unlike other fruit of the spirit or virtue traits, this one has such an intangible quality to it. Patience, joy, peace, kindness, love can all be grasped in a way that is different to gentleness. It seems to be the coming together of a way of being that is evident in a person's words, their touch, their face, their demeanor, their eyes. None of which can be manipulated but follow from a heart that is transformed by Christ.

Now this is random and how my strange brain works.....

3. You will be surprised how many large people will come to mind. When I made my list just about everyone on there was 6.2 or bigger. Fascinating to me....probably only me! Well actually when we talked about it in class and people were sharing their experiences of gentleness it became apparent that others had the same experience. But it does make me wonder if there is something to the gentle giant idea:-) It makes me wonder if sometimes tall, imposing people compensate for their presence by developing a gentle spirit. I am not suggesting all large people are gentle, but we were struck by how many gentle people that came to our minds were tall.

I feel God's call to be conscious of my choices and not saturate my life with violence as entertainment, self promotion, power broking and aggression. If we believe God has the best life for us we must conform our lives to the gentle shepherd and the incarnate Christ is surely the best example of gentleness that we have.

I think of Amy Grant who posts on this blog, Winslow Ellis a friend here in Amarillo, David Wray (friend, professor, mentor), Cathy Burns a friend and counselor, my nephew Matthew - just to name a few people who I think are examples of this fruit to me. I am thankful that I can learn from you.

And ps. all of them tall....just saying! (To me you are tall Amy....no short jokes allowed).

UPDATE: My friend Scott emailed me this and I feel compelled to add this to my blog...not sure how I missed mentioning Phil and Debby! He mentioned several people from the Riverside church of Christ in Coppell where we used to work before Central and yes, all of these are great examples of gentleness.
(from his email) How about Phil & Debby (I know, I know--they're not tall)? Don Barnes. Ken & Laquita. Pete Montgomery.

Halloween Better Late than Never

Just thought I'd let you guys see Harry and Hermione aka Spencer and Michaela from Halloween.

Musical Moments

This post may be too sappy for some of you. Don't say I didn't warn you. It is adjective filled.

1. The first musical moment happened in the car driving back to Amarillo from Abilene this past weekend. If you have read this blog for very long, you know how much music means in my life. You have seen the posts about musicians, songs, concerts - I love it all. So here I go again. While driving back from Abilene on Saturday I was thinking about what my favorite song is. I don't prefer that question really because I want to get technical as I answer it. I want to be able to have a favorite in every genre, for different life stages, you get the picture. It is almost impossible to pick just one. However, it struck me that I think if the "pick a favorite song police" ever arrive and try to arrest me for not having one, I can avoid the disaster. I have one. Period. This may shock some of you because I am not usually seen as a "hymn" kinda girl, but read these words and hum the music in your head, it is incredible.

I grew up singing this song at the Methodist school that I attended. We also sang it at the small Church of Christ in South Africa that I attended. We sang it in assemblies at high school and not much more after that. It was not an Abilene song. Occasionally, Craig Noland one of the worship leaders where we worked in Coppell led it. I can hear his incredible voice caressing the words and music. Rarely do we sing it in Amarillo. And quite honestly I think when MercyMe released their version of it 3 or so years ago I fell in love with it again. Their interpretation is my all time favorite. Enjoy these words.

The Love of God

The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell
It goes beyond the highest star
And reaches to the lowest hell
The guilty pair, bowed down with care
God gave His Son to win
His erring child He reconciled
And pardoned from his sin
Could we with ink the ocean fill
And were the skies of parchment made
Were every stalk on earth a quill
And every man a scribe by trade
To write the love of God above
Would drain the ocean dry
Nor could the scroll contain the whole
Though stretched from sky to sky
O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints' and angels' song

2. The second one happened last night. After Michaela's middle school discipleship time I picked her up and we went to Polk Street United Methodist Church for an Organ Concert. Michaela wanted to go because her school choir teacher was singing, her Amarillo Youth Choir pianist was one of the featured Organists and the Conductor was Mr. Rolando Salazar who directed the Prepatory choir she was in. So off we went. I know a middle schooler dragging her Mom to an event like this??? Little did we know what an incredible event it would be. 2 fabulous soloists (one soprano, one mezza soprano)were featured, both having performed from Prague to New York. They now live here in Amarillo and teach at WT. Several amazing Organists played. The WT Chorale sang with the Polk Street Choir. The Philharmonic Orchestra was there - just unreal. The final piece was "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing" and it was beyond words. I felt tears just running down my face and as I looked at the lady I had made friends with next to me, tears were her response also. The music was so overwhelmingly moving that you almost felt your own heartbeat. The choirs were outstanding. However without a doubt the most amazing element was watching Mr. Salazar conduct. You could see the emotion, the music, the perfection consuming his body and his face. Every part of him was fully present in every note and his body almost danced the music as he conducted. Tears began rolling down his cheeks and it was clear that as a young, professional, freakishly talented man who turned down a position teaching at Julliard to remain in the Panhandle - this was about life and love and faith. The power of music amazes me.

Rugby Happy Dance

We won, we won.. we are the best in the world. Woohoo South Africa. Who would have thought that the group of us South Africans gathered to watch the final together would all be in tears by the end of the trophy presentation. Remember the line from an old 80's song, "wherever I lay my hat, that's my home." It's a lie.

Self Care

I almost hate to post this because I do not want to communicate a message that is individualistic or "all about me" - not even a little bit. In fact I am drawn to this subject because I think with some self care we tend to be better at community.

I had breakfast with a friend on Saturday. She happens also to be one of the best counselors I have ever known. Yes, very good for me. I get "friend therapy". We talked about what it is in us that motivates us to seek approval through the "doing" of things. Good, real, deep, insightful conversation. She made a point, that Dan also mentioned on Sunday. Hurt people, hurt people. We all operate out of our woundedness.

Even those of us who have not had great childhood trauma, we have emotional wounds simply because we have lived. As a child, we are egocentric and while our core personalities are forming we funnel everything through that "I" filter. So, for a child if my parents are always pushing me to do better and never seem pleased with my performance, instead of ascribing that to their issues, I take that on as not being good enough. You fill in the situation and the result is the same.

And I believe the Accuser hurts us where we hurt the most! So, if we believe we are not significant because of the way we attributed a set of feelings and behaviors as a child. We function out of that as an adult. We work, work, work in order for someone to tell us that we are significant. We can spend our whole lives looking for significance and when people do not fill that need our worst fears are confirmed and the cycle continues. How can we possibly function as fully alive disciples living in the extravagance of God's love for us. We can't. In some form or fashion we live out our Christian walk trying to earn God's love, the approval of our church family and hoping to just manage sin at best.

That leads to the idea of self care. Only when we understand this and know that people all around us are struggling in the same way can we begin to grow in health. We can then begin to understand people, and not just label and judge them. When we take the time, risk and energy needed to know ourselves and name our fears that drive us, there is hope. Then we begin the journey to filling our minds and hearts with the attributes of God. When we fully believe that He is enough, sufficient, supreme we can take deep breaths. We can really believe, regardless of what the 6 year old inside our head says, that we are chosen, heirs, elect, children of the King, empowered, filled and loved. Now having that as the go to list in your brain instead of the other is self care.

The other aspect to self care that I love, is God care. Actually it has got nothing to do with self and all to do with God. The result though is a full, alive self. The self is actually cared for and brought to life. The work of God in us. Transforming us into who he wants us to be. A gift, but one that we can pursue. We position ourselves in ways that soak up all he has to offer. We make space for him. We listen during prayer instead of just speaking. We do all we can to be the most open vessel possible for him to fill.

Check This Out

If you read this blog and do not read Greg Kendall-Balls blog, I would like to ask that you link over to his blog and read this post:
http://kendallball.com/2007/09/29/invisible-children-photography-trip

Besides being an incredible thinker and a gifted photographer he is also a friend of ours. Greg literally grew up before my eyes. His family attended church with ours in South Africa. My Mom loved Greg, Jordan and Jenni like they were her own kids.

He is being given an incredible opportunity and if you can help him achieve this please do. Look for the little donate button and if you can give anything at all it will help make this trip a reality.
Thanks!

Heroes Saints & Ordinary Morality

I have just completed a fascinating read by Andrew Flescher, Heroes Saints & Ordinary Morality. It is not a quick read or even an easy one. But, it is a rich one. I know I will need to reread this book, several times perhaps, before I really "get it" but after this first read I have been struck by several things. Flescher looks back at traditional approaches to ethics that suggest there is a sharp distinction between those we might call heroes and saints and the majority of us ordinary people. He looks at the views upheld by Urmson and Heyd and tries to undo that thinking by highlighting the lives of Martin Luther King, Jr., Holocaust rescuers, Dorothy Day etc. If one was to look at figures in the last 10 years we might throw out the names of Mother Theresa, 911 Firefighters, Nelson Mandela...

So here is the question. Do we all have the responsibility to go that extra mile. Or, do we leave that to those who are somehow instinctively different than us: better somehow?

Flescher closes the book by reflecting on the writing of Tillich and other developmentalists in the world of ethics. He writes (with obvious note that this is lacking in theological language and approach) "We should be responsible in living, both responsible for ourselves and for our own development, and responsible for the welfare and well-being of others. Responsibility implies vigilance. It implies watching out for our character, directing it in ways that will resist the temptation to succumb to non-deliberate, unreflective living". That statement resonates so deeply with me. And even though this statement is not nuanced with the results of the transforming work of the cross and the spirit, does it challenge you? In what ways do you see the mainstream church living and thinking in ways that are "non-deliberate and unreflective".

This makes me want to be a better version of myself. It makes me want to embrace the hard questions and discussions. (David recoils in horror as he thinks, what more deep philosophical discussions?). It makes me want to journey into the hidden places of my head and heart. Sometimes things connect deeply with me because of where I am at the moment and so it is possible you may read these thoughts and go, "nah". But if something strikes you share it.

Plagarism again....sorry Amy

My friend Amy always has interesting random questions on her blog and I have copied her before, so here I go again, with minor adjustments.
I love these kinds of things because it always gives me new insights into people.
Answer as many as you like...

1. Salty or sweet?
2. Coke or Pepsi?
3. Decaf or double shot?
4. Early riser or night owl?
5. Clinton or Obama?
6. Thompson or ???
7. Italian or Chinese food?
8. Vanilla or Chocolate?
9.Favorite kind of date night?

Photo Update

This is Diego our new "dorkie" pupppy. It is a yorkie, doxon mix and Spencer's first pet. Seriously, what were we thinking. He is pretty cute I have to say. Disney our prissy but lovely cat is certain that life as she knows it is over forever. And, yes she is correct!

Photo Update

Michaela all set in her uniform for the first day of 6th grade at Ascension Academy. What an awesome school!

Photo Update

This is Spencer ready for the first day of 1st grade! Check out the cool messenger bag instead of the traditional backpack. He knew exactly what he wanted at the store and is pretty sure his bag is the coolest thing ever!

Why no blogging?

About every 6 months or so there is a long lull in my blog posts. Things get busy and I begin living in too many worlds which means I choose to let this go for awhile. I struggle to let things go and so it is always hard to make that choice.

This absence is due to the following reasons:
1. My Ethics class meets for the first weekend beginning Thursday. I am behind in my reading. Way behind. Like so far behind that I will probably be writing a paper based on incomplete reading. This is new for me. As a student I follow rules (at least I do someplace in my life). I read everything and I submit everything on time. Oh well, there is a first time for everything!

2. David and I are teaching Life on the Vine on Sunday mornings in our Bible Class. He decided that I should handle the "content" and he would do the application portion. So I am spending extended time with Kenneson working through this material. So far it is going well.

3. I am in a phase where I am craving order and things being up to date. Because of my inability to handle stress well, I usually keep things running pretty well because if too much piles up I can't cope. But laundry and chores and papers being filed away etc had gotten out of hand over the summer and so I have been almost manic about getting my life caught up. I think I am there...for this second anyway. Mail will come today. Laundry will be generated today. Dishes will mount up....but I can manage one day at a time, it is just the pit that seemed to evolve over the summer that was not very pleasing to me!!!!

4. I am doing a 4 hour per week marketing job for a local Financial Advisor with Edward Jones. It is is awesome, but marketing is hard to keep to the hours I spend in the office, so it is bleeding over and filling all sorts of nooks and crannies of my life.

5. School is back and while that frees up my time a tad and means the house stays picked up almost all day, it means school volunteering is back too. I enjoy being connected to the life of the school and knowing the teachers and administrators. Somehow it makes it easier to leave your kids there all day when you feel invested. I am especially grateful for the opportunity to volunteer at Michaela's school as a way to get to know a new place.

6. My favorite part of ministry is the relational aspect of it. And so with the kids back in school I can get back to my regular coffee times, lunch meetings and general hanging out times with friends and those who I am in discipling relationships with.

7. And then there is just living, you know what I mean?

Hopefully I am back to blogging on a regular basis it is such good therapy for me.

A Jim Clarification

A few weeks back, I posted about how happy I was that Dan was back preaching after a summer of vacation and sabbatical. I had a comment posted by Jim and I just merrily assumed it was my friend Jim. N. Why I assumed this is still a mystery given that I comment frequently on my other friend Jim M.'s blog. I even link to it on my page. And that the other Jim N. is a blog reader and not a commenter. I replied in the comments back to him making reference to a few "inside jokes". He chose today, 3 weeks or so later, to tell me it wasn't him.

Here is the moral of the story.
1. Don't use the blog comments section for "inside jokes" unless you want to look like a candidate for creepy girl of the year.
2. When you click on the link that your commenter's name brings up actually read it!
3.If you are to make a mistaken identity error, pray hard that you mistake your Jim N. with the Jim M. you have listed in your blog links. Jim Martin is a fellow minister who I love and respect and am always challenged by. And, I might add he is gracious - gracious enough not to have replied back with a WHAT???? I am sure he was a little taken aback by my warm fuzzy declarations of how connected I feel to him and how I love him, but nevertheless he was gracious.

So Jim N. get yourself a blog profile so you can at least comment and I can harass you over the Internet!!!!

Tough Questions

"Asking the tough questions" is a phrase you hear alot now days. Overuse can rob us from the ability to really ask the tough questions. I know some people who prefer not to deal with that kind of thing and then I know people, like me, who seem to thrive on it. Someplace in between those two extremes is probably the healthiest spot!

However last night during our Wednesday evening worship experience, we were celebrating the Lord's supper by taking bread and grape juice and sitting together at tables talking, laughing, sharing and partaking. It was real and felt so "in the moment." It was an experiential way of remembering Jesus. A little later we were discussing and journalling about two questions that had been assigned and one of them resonated with me more than usual. It is still bouncing off the walls of my heart and mind. The question was something like this, "imagine what your life would be like if Jesus had not died and risen." I know you have heard that 100 times. Like me, you probably even have a pat answer. But for some reason last night I was stretched to journal some thoughts about who I would be without Jesus. My actions, my thoughts, my behaviors, my responses.....It was not a pretty site.

I felt further convicted that there are days when the ugliness of my heart still seem so overwhelming and that is with all the shaping that God has done and continues to do in me.
Can you even imagine yourself untouched by the Potter?

Laying aside the pat answers, have you really thought about what the "Christless" version of yourself looks like. How that version would act and speak and live? Think about it for a while and then give thanks. Worship Him in praise and shout out, How Great is Our God!

God and Money

I heard a sermon yesterday that I am having a hard time with. You know the feeling when you disagree with what you are hearing and your life experiences back up your feelings but you can't necessarily prove your position? Or is it just me?

The statement was made, "God's intention, his heart is to bless you financially." There was a lot of other very good material in the lesson, but I got stuck on this one and just couldn't move passed it. I disagree. I think God's intention and heart is to shape us and that is usually a blessing but I think it has little to do with financial blessing. I think God's heart is to bless us and that usually lands up looking very different to "financially bless us."

Some of the most faithful, God-hearted people I know are poor and live in conditions that are deplorable in Africa or other areas. Have they somehow not "earned blessings" from God. I don't think so. I know that Old Testament scripture refers to God blessing our store houses and multiplying our fields etc. but Jesus seems to present such a different picture in his ministry. He talks at lengh about giving up stuff, leaving security, how hard it is for the rich to enter the kingdom etc. He always seems to land on the side of the poor and call the rest of us to a life of "stufflessness."

The idea of God wanting to bless us financially just seems so "Joel Osteen-ish" and that scares me. My life experiences testify to the idea that real discipleship usually costs us something, and the reward is usually a more abundant faith journey, which has little to do with anything financial.

I may be missing something crucial here, so weigh in and help me as I struggle with this.